By Psyche Pascual
It’s not easy being a toddler. One moment your child feels as if he’s king of the world; the next he’s crying in rage and hurling a toy across the room.
Like many parents, you may find it hard to cope with your toddler’s outbursts of anger and frustration. But these times actually provide the best opportunities to teach a young child how to manage strong feelings and calm himself down. By helping him do so, says psychologist John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, you’ll be teaching him the “emotional intelligence” he needs in order to have good relationships with adults and other children.
What is emotional intelligence?
A child with a high emotional IQ, explains Gottman, is better able to cope with his feelings, soothe himself, understand and relate well to other people, and form strong friendships than a child whose emotional intelligence is less well developed. He’s also better equipped to control negative impulses, even when things aren’t going his way. Experts now believe that such skills can be taught at an early age, when children are more flexible in their emotional growth.
Daniel Goleman, a psychologist and author of the book Emotional Intelligence, thinks the family is the first and best place to get these lessons across. Instead of trying to cajole away a child’s anger or sadness, for instance, his parents can empathize with him and teach him how to handle turbulent feelings that may otherwise seem overwhelming.
How can I teach emotional intelligence?
In the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, Gottman and coauthor Joan DeClaire point out that such lessons begin as soon as a baby is born. Simply by responding to your baby when he cries, is hungry or wanting to be held, you show him he can elicit a reaction if he expresses his feelings. By doing what comes naturally — talking and playing with your baby — you teach him about communication, too. After your child is old enough to talk, say Gottman and DeClaire, start giving him “emotion coaching”– lessons in analyzing his feelings and handling conflict. Here are the five steps they recommend:
- Try to recognize your child’s emotions. Toddlers can’t always tell you what’s going on in their lives. If your child seems sad or upset for no immediate reason, it’s wise to look at the big picture and think about what might be troubling him. Has he been moved to a new daycare facility? Did you and your spouse have an argument in his hearing? Toddlers often give clues to what they’re thinking during fantasy play. Gottman tells how his daughter said to him while playing with her doll, “Barbie is really scared when you get mad.” “In the important conversation that followed,” Gottman writes, “I assured Barbie (and my daughter) that I didn’t mean to scare her and that just because I get angry doesn’t mean that I don’t love her.” A child’s fearful reaction may also be a clue that you sound too loud, scary, and unpredictable, giving you the opportunity to apologize for not handling your anger better and assuring her that you’ll try to talk more softly in the future.
- Look at negative emotions as opportunities for intimacy and teaching. You can use all your child’s feelings, negative as well as positive, in teaching him how to deal constructively with his emotions. If your 3-year-old toddler is afraid of a trip to the dentist, talk with him about it and try to calm his fears the day before, rather than waiting to see if he throws a tantrum in the dentist’s office.
- Listen with empathy. Listen carefully to your child, then mirror what he says back to him. Gottman gives the example of a toddler who’s upset because his brother has received a birthday present in the mail. Instead of explaining why it’s only fair, he advises, try saying, “You wish Grandma had sent you a package, too. I bet that makes you feel kind of jealous.” After his feelings are acknowledged, the toddler will be more likely to accept an assurance that he too will get a package on his birthday.
What’s the best way to teach EQ when disciplining my toddler?
In disciplining small children, discipline expert William Sears, MD, advises parents to encourage their kids to talk about their feelings. Here are a few of his tips:
- Try to get on your child’s level and make eye contact.
- Speak softly, stay brief and use simple words and short sentences, starting with the words “I want …” Above all, maintain respect and use words like “please.”
- You can use rewards to avoid power struggles. Offer a child the chance to play if he gets dressed, for example.
- Encourage your child to use words instead of body language.
- Try to explain your reasons. Instead of asking, “Why did you do that?” begin with, “I want to talk about what you did.”
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